ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
OF LIFE
By Heidi Johnson-Wright (The EarthBound TomBoy)
I’ve never been a big fan of making New Year’s resolutions.
I mean, I fail to live up to a variety of personal goals as it is. Why rub salt
in even more wounds?
But the idea of making a fresh start is appealing. It’s
imbued with that earnestness I so love in young people who haven’t yet figured
out how much life can really suck.
So, here goes:
· When someone hollers
at me: “Slow down, little lady. You’re gonna get a speeding ticket!” I will
resist the urge to shout back: “You better stop passing gas – you’re gonna get
a farting ticket!”
· If a complete stranger
walks up to me and demands to know intimate details about my disability, I will
refrain from asking them: (1) about a history of their STDs, (2) why their eyes
are so close together, or (3) how they feel about their momma getting passed
around at Sturgis like a day-old deli tray.
· The next time a God
twaddler hands me a religious tract, I will resist the urge to pantomime one of
Miley Cyrus’s poses for her Terry Richardson photo shoot. (You saw them --
don’t act so innocent.)
· I will resist the urge
to think very mean thoughts about insurance companies, banks and Donald Trump.
(OK, I will at least try.)
· I will not allow
myself to feel depressed when I watch TV network news and all of the
commercials are for prescription drugs and “wealth management” services. (I
will allow myself to feel old, however.)
· I will not smash the
ramp on my van into the car parked by a moron in the adjoining access aisle.
(You know, the cross-hatched area between two handicapped parking spaces where
no one is supposed to park.) That is, I will not smash their car more than five
times. Per minute.
· I will not beat myself
up when I break any of the above by Jan. 2, 2016.
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