EARTHBOUND TOMBOY
by heidi johnson-wright
Dear Santa:
It’s been a few years since I last
wrote to you. Like, 45. Probably makes you wonder why I’m sending you this
letter now.
First off, let me assure you I’m not
writing to ask you for any gifts for myself. I mean, there are some neat-o
gizmos that any gimp, myself included, would love. For example, I wouldn’t mind
having a speedometer. Why, you ask? So the next time a stranger (that is, the
4,739th stranger) looks at my chair and asks me “how fast can that
thing go?” instead of yelling “bite me,” I can actually holler out a number.
I also wouldn’t mind receiving a pair
of shoes. And I’m not talking about a pair of SAS orthopedic, turd brown
lace-up Oxfords, like us crips and Denny’s waitresses are so fond of. No siree.
I’m talking about a pair of Christian Louboutin Highness Tattoo Dragon platform
pumps with a seven inch heel. (If you’re not familiar with Mr. Louboutin’s
creations, think back to the type of shoes that only strippers used to wear.
For a cool $1,595, now lady
executives, lawyers and doctors can wear ‘em, too.)
And I wanna be
clear: there’s no way on God’s green Earth I could ever stand in those shoes,
let alone take a few steps. What I’d like to do is scuff up the soles real good
so they look like they’ve been walked in a whole lot. I’d put them on, get in
my wheelchair and go out in public. I’d be sure to sit in the chair so the
bottoms of the shoes can easily be seen. Then, I’d take photos of the reactions
on people’s faces. I would even create an Instagram account for them.
But enough about
my flights of fancy. The real point of this letter is to ask for Christmas
gifts for other very deserving people: people who have taken positions on
issues affecting us crips. The gifts would show gratitude for their valiant
efforts for disability rights.
First,
Santa, please bring gifts for the politicians. In particular, I’m talking about
the ones who say that the Americans with Disabilities Act hurts business
owners. How does the ADA hurt them, you ask? Apparently, requiring a ramped
entrance or lowered counters is likely to bankrupt restaurants, stores,
theaters, etc. So, even though the ADA is a federal civil rights law, the
politicos want to enable businesses to opt-out of it. Otherwise, the entire
U.S. economy will collapse just like it did right after the Civil Rights laws
of the 1960s were passed. (It did, right?) And we can’t have that. So, Santa
please give these politicians the gift of not getting re-elected so they can
make an honest living flipping burgers at businesses that discriminate against
gimps.
The
next group of folks that deserve gifts are the architects, builders and town
planners that oppose visitability. Visitability is the movement to change the
way homes are constructed so that new homes will have things like a zero-step
entrance, interior doors wide enough for wheelchairs, and a half bath on the
main floor. Visitability objectors claim these things quash creative design and
even worse, give the false impression that non-gimps might someday cross over
into gimpdom! For those who are against visitability, please, Santa, give them
the gift of six months in a long-leg cast and the inability to use crutches.
This will require them to climb stairs on their hands and knees just to get the
crapper. Think of the toughness of personal character this will build in those
who oppose building accessible homes!
And
last but not least, Santa, please bring something special for people who lie
about their pets. You know, the inventive folks who dress up their Shih Tzus
and Rottweilers in nylon vests and claim they’re service dogs just so they can
take them into the Gap and Olive Garden. Such resourcefulness deserves
recognition, even if it creates ill feelings toward and distrust of disabled
folks with genuine service dogs. For these folks, please give them the gift of
a dog bite that gets infected so they end up with a pronounced limp. That way,
even if they happen to misplace the dog vest and service dog ID card they
purchased from a phony company on the Internet, they won’t need ‘em. The limp
will speak loud and clear.
Well, Santa,
I guess I’ve asked for my annual quota of gifts, so I’ll sign off. I’ll have to
ask you for gifts for condo and home owners’ associations that bully disabled
people next year.
Love,
Heidi
http://earthboundtomboy.blogspot.com/2014/12/dear-santa-wheelchair-odometer-would-be.html
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