HUMOR COLUMN -- MESSIN' WITH TEXAS

HE MESSED WITH TEXAS, BUT LIVED TO TELL

By Steve Wright

Darlin’, we’re not doin’ Dallas.
Honey, put Houston on hold.
And sweetie, we sure ain’t sailing down the River Walk in San Antone.
Why? Because I’m wanted in Texas, on the lam from the Lone Star State.
My crime involves temptations -- not of the flesh, but of the flash.
All I tried to do was snap a lousy a picture. The scene of the crime: The Buckhorn Saloon and Museums, aka the Hall of Horns, Fins and Feathers.
I should have known to steer clear of a place with thousands of stuffed creatures, tall Texans and free beer.
Buckhorn is a repository of tanned, taxidermied and otherwise preserved remains of giant finned, antlered, furred and other creatures. I love it for: campy wax dioramas portraying bloody scalpings, mounted record-catch sea creatures, the kitschiest gift shop this side of the Rio Grande and Bimbo.
Bimbo is a two-headed calf. His preserved hide rides the range with other eight-legged lambs, rabbits with horns and other marvels of nature.
The grand, self-guided tour concludes at a classic stand up bar decorated with lots of Lone Star memorabilia. Visitors are given two tokens apiece to cash in for a pair of rather small cups of draft Lone Star, on the house, at the historic saloon.
I ran afoul of the law before I even sipped the suds. Looking through the viewfinder at fine woodwork and smiling barkeeps, I angled along a back wall to capture the scene without including my reflection in the giant mirror at the back of the bar.
Suddenly, accidentally and forcefully, I crashed into an antique table holding up the much-beloved replica of a Spanish mission made from 50,000 toothpicks.
They say don’t mess with Texas. I didn’t stick around long enough to find out what happens to Ohioans who trod on its historic missions.

Wright is a travel author, radio commentator and an award-winning writer.


EDITOR'S NOTE: The museum has since moved closer to the Riverwalk in downtown San Antone. No telling if the replica mission or Bimbo survived the move.